I am a 35-year-old mom to a beautiful, independent, sassy, wreaking ball of a son. Recently in my journey I had two miscarriages a couple months apart. And these experiences combined with the complete and utter loss of self that came around when I became a mother got me thinking.  

When I first found out I was pregnant I was in shocked; not because I am unaware of what happens sometimes when you have unprotected sex but of the fact that I from that moment on was not only responsible for myself but now for this little human. I; this woman who fell down the stairs of a bar blackout, who used to drink until 4 am have a power nap and then go into her serving shifts, the one who used to lose her phone almost every weekend (and so much more) was now going to be allowed to raise a human. I was terrified. Even though I wanted to have a child, when it happened; I questioned all my life choices. 

Through this journey of pregnancy, motherhood, and loss I have experienced some of the wildest emotions ever and moments where I was convinced that this life was not mine. I felt lost.

 

I used to google hotels, and flight prices. My Instagram saved folders were outfits, skincare, manifestation, travel. Now its toddler, Baby led weaning, baby sleep, activities for kids.  

Having a child flipped my life upside down in a way I never predicted and losing myself was only part of it and I have spent the past 16 months wondering if I was alone in that feeling.  

And even if I am alone in that feeling; that's okay. 

For me; being a mom has given me more gifts and things to be grateful for than I ever could have imagined. But I have had days that are so overwhelming that all I want is for the day to end. Being beyond grateful but also crying and screaming into a pillow - mental health moment. 

If any of this has struck a chord, or you're just curious to see how this journey is going to play out- stick around, you might get a laugh, a cry, or maybe looking at some of the things in my life will make you more grateful for your life choices.  

This journey is a compilation of thoughts, feelings, past decisions, family history, and yes; the journey to hopefully carry another child. So, I'll bring you along to my sometimes boring, sometimes fun, and sometimes a little delulu; journey of being a mom trying to figure out who I am is in her new life. 

xo